Resolutions

Well, it seems I’ve returned to my blogiverse – I’m not sure why I’ve had so much trouble keeping up lately.

Well, that’s not entirely true.

You see, I’ve fallen into a pit. You know – the pit of being really busy. I think we all fall into that pit sometimes. Between work, working out, cooking, and being the social butterfly that I am – well, I seem to have forgotten about all this. It’s a shame, though. Writing feels so good. Doesn’t it just feel good to use your brain a little, to look around, take stock, and reflect on what you see? That’s usually how I feel – and yet, once again, I have put it off.

During the transition to the new year, I got to thinking about resolutions. It’s inevitable – it’s like resolutions are in the air around us, as magazines and Facebook statuses swirl with ambitions and hopes for the new year to come. I’ve always wondered why we have this tradition of making resolutions at the start of the year. I mean, on the one hand, it’s fairly obvious: a new calendar year, a chance to remake ourselves, to think that we’re really going to do it this time. I think that I have made the same damn resolution for 10 years in a row. But that’s because the resolutions I make are not realistic. It’s always like “starting today, I’m going to be a better person.” What does that even mean?! I – we all – set ridiculous expectations for myself sometimes. It’s only human, I think, to want to be the best that we can be. But sometimes the best we can be doesn’t feel like it measures up. Which brings me to the other hand: it’s seems so empty, to make these promises to ourselves that we can’t/don’t follow through with. We were watching football (well… I wasn’t…), and a news update popped up announcing some absurd statistic of people who made resolutions and proclaimed that they had already broken them by the next day.

I recently came across this article in the New York Times. It’s about how hard it is to lose weight, and includes a study of people who were successful on an extremely restrictive diet (500 calories a day). They lost 30 pounds in a matter of weeks. And then, surprise!, they gained it all back. This drives me crazy. Crazy! Real change, real self improvement, is a long process. Nothing happens over night. Real change – whether the goal is losing weight or reading more or whatever – is hard and requires time, commitment, and a little self love.

I have goals, goals that I have thought about long and hard, and that I work very hard to reach. I’m not perfect, and sometimes I am more successful than others. January 1st was a week ago. And for the first time in a very long time, I did not make any resolutions. And damn it, it felt good.

one step closer

The marathon is fast approaching, and I really can’t believe this is all happening.

I was away in Maine for a family vacation this weekend, and as I would miss the scheduled group run, I decided to do my long training run on my own. I took a bottle of water with me, snapped on my hot pink fuel belt, tied my laces, started my timer– and I was off. Maine is really hilly (I think I’ve said this before!), and the weather this weekend was absurdly hot. I got up early to try to beat the heat, but half an hour into the run I was starting to really feel the sun. As I ran along the coast line, I kept thinking about how crazy it was that I was actually doing this on vacation, and how much my attitudes about exercise have changed in this training process. I drank plenty of water, and fueled up with jelly beans, and I thought about how much I’ve learned about this sport and about myself over the course of the past few months. Sometimes I just can’t believe that this is me, and that this is something that I am really doing. I said I would run this race, and now it’s almost here, and I know that I will accomplish my goal.

My run on Sunday was just over 2 1/2 hours. I checked a map when I returned home today, and to my great surprise, the distance I ran was 12.8 miles. I started this blog with Lao Tzu’s words about how a journey must begin with a single step– and now, as race day draws ever nearer, I can’t help but think about how each step I take brings me closer and closer to the finish line. Each and every step propels me forward, just as each additional step is built upon the hundreds of steps I’ve already taken and all the miles I’ve run. Maybe this isn’t exactly modest, but looking in the mirror, I can’t help but be amazed at myself. I excited, thrilled, and really proud to have reached this place in my life. I know that I have a lot more work to do, but this is really incredible.

I am really going to do this.