Resolutions

Well, it seems I’ve returned to my blogiverse – I’m not sure why I’ve had so much trouble keeping up lately.

Well, that’s not entirely true.

You see, I’ve fallen into a pit. You know – the pit of being really busy. I think we all fall into that pit sometimes. Between work, working out, cooking, and being the social butterfly that I am – well, I seem to have forgotten about all this. It’s a shame, though. Writing feels so good. Doesn’t it just feel good to use your brain a little, to look around, take stock, and reflect on what you see? That’s usually how I feel – and yet, once again, I have put it off.

During the transition to the new year, I got to thinking about resolutions. It’s inevitable – it’s like resolutions are in the air around us, as magazines and Facebook statuses swirl with ambitions and hopes for the new year to come. I’ve always wondered why we have this tradition of making resolutions at the start of the year. I mean, on the one hand, it’s fairly obvious: a new calendar year, a chance to remake ourselves, to think that we’re really going to do it this time. I think that I have made the same damn resolution for 10 years in a row. But that’s because the resolutions I make are not realistic. It’s always like “starting today, I’m going to be a better person.” What does that even mean?! I – we all – set ridiculous expectations for myself sometimes. It’s only human, I think, to want to be the best that we can be. But sometimes the best we can be doesn’t feel like it measures up. Which brings me to the other hand: it’s seems so empty, to make these promises to ourselves that we can’t/don’t follow through with. We were watching football (well… I wasn’t…), and a news update popped up announcing some absurd statistic of people who made resolutions and proclaimed that they had already broken them by the next day.

I recently came across this article in the New York Times. It’s about how hard it is to lose weight, and includes a study of people who were successful on an extremely restrictive diet (500 calories a day). They lost 30 pounds in a matter of weeks. And then, surprise!, they gained it all back. This drives me crazy. Crazy! Real change, real self improvement, is a long process. Nothing happens over night. Real change – whether the goal is losing weight or reading more or whatever – is hard and requires time, commitment, and a little self love.

I have goals, goals that I have thought about long and hard, and that I work very hard to reach. I’m not perfect, and sometimes I am more successful than others. January 1st was a week ago. And for the first time in a very long time, I did not make any resolutions. And damn it, it felt good.

A Thanksgiving Post

Thanksgiving is such a great holiday. It forces us to take time out of our busy lives and really think about the things we are thankful for – cliche though that may be. It’s a great prompt, and I think that during the rush of our daily lives we don’t really hold on to feelings of gratitude (I don’t, anyways – not regularly). It is easy to get caught up in the not-so-good stuff and forget about all of the amazing things we do have. So this Thanksgiving, I am thankful that I have this day to spend with friends and family, and that I have the opportunity to reflect on my life (which is really pretty great, I have to say).

There are so many things to be thankful for – here are some of the things I am grateful for:

• Health, and the ability to work on my fitness
• Family and friends – I can’t wait to see everybody soon!
• A wonderful and caring partner <3 
• A silly dog
• A beautiful apartment and a really cool mural
• A job I like (I know, it’s amazing!)
• Books and games

And there’s so much more, it almost seems silly to list everything out.

What are you grateful for?

Well hello there!

I know, I know! I’ve been a bad blogger. It seems like I go through phases – reflective and active. And sometimes I forget to write (oh and think) while I’m super busy. I actually think that this would help manage my stress – I fin that writing and talking are how I am best able to process what’s going on. Some people process very differently (like J. For example)- but for me, words explain how I feel.

Some big things have happened. I was so busy writing about my race that I Forgot to mention that J. And I moved in together. Moving two people was tough- but I love our home together! It wad definitely a process, involving not only unpacking and decorating and buying, but also some internal adjustments about what it means to share a space with a partner. Though things come up (and really, things cone up throughout life- there are always things that need figuring out!) it really feels like home. And I love that. Do you know that song, “Home is wherever I’m with you?” yeah. Like that

I also started a new job. It doesn’t seem so new now, buy it’s really only been a few months! Many of you probably already know that I was pretty miserable in my job last year. It was really hard, and I felt helpless and weak and hurt. It took a long time, but I finally worked up the courage to just quit. And then I found a new job, and it’s been an exciting whirlwind!

A lot has been going on. As I write, I’m sitting on a plane, waiting for take-off. Like I said, I’m a busy girl. Anyways, I’m looking forward to more writing and reflection.

Third Time’s a Charm

I am officially a three time half marathoner! Yesterday I completed the Providence Rock ‘N’ Roll Half Marathon. I still can’t believe I did it!

Nearing the finish line!

As with all things, there are parts of the race that went really really well, other parts that weren’t so hot – and parts I can do better next time. Here’s the inside scoop:

What I loved about the race:

There is an amazing sense of determination that comes with doing something as insane as a half marathon. I had a few really rough moments, but somehow came up with the strength to carry on. It is truly incredible that humans are capable of finding ways to accomplish their goals.

Something else I love about these events: the people. There are always moments that test us, when we all think, “oh no, I just cannot do this.” And amazingly, every time I feel that way during a half marathon, there is always somebody who reaches out and pulls me up. Last year I followed a woman who had survived cancer and a double lung transplant – I thought, “if she can do it, so can I!”

I wrote to friends and family about my experience this time around with a stranger in a peach shirt who noticed the American Cancer Society tag on the back of my shirt that said “In memory of Ellen White.” She twice was able to help me change my attitude and keep on running. Something she said gave me so much hope and such a rush of love – “it’s not about time today. It’s about Ellen! It’s about Ellen.” This woman didn’t even know me, and she gave me a really wonderful gift.

I know that my mom would have been so proud of me. And you know what? I’m proud of me! I was so busy freaking out that the sweeper van was going to kick me out of the race for being too slow that I wouldn’t finish. And that is just ridiculous! I finished! I even beat my first ever half marathon time. Not as good as my second time, but man, I finished and made reasonable time!

What I didn’t like all that much:

This has nothing to do with the organizers of the race (who were awesome, by the way) or with the course or with anything that could be prevented: it rained. It rained really hard the entire time – not just drizzle, but rather the-sky-has-opened-and-it-is-raining kind of rain. It was hard to see, and the constant squish of wet socks in wet shoes is far from pleasant. At first, it felt kind of nice – it wasn’t hot and I didn’t feel anywhere close to dehydrated. But I wore a cotton shirt (rookie mistake, honestly, what was I thinking??) and it just soaked up the water. My shirt rubbed against my arm, my sports bra rubbed against my ribs, and I am so horribly chafed. Yeah. Ouch and a half.

Things I can do better next time:

I suppose that this very heading begs the question, “so, Hannah, does this mean you’re going to do another half marathon??” Honestly – yeah. Probably I will. There is something so amazing about knowing that my body can accomplish this really challenging and amazing thing. I was talking with a co-worker today who, reflecting on her own life, said, “it’s not just about what your body looks like, it’s that we have these bodies that can really do amazing things.” And she’s right – while I may have my own body-image insecurities, it is deeply satisfying to know that my body made it through 13.1 miles. How cool is that??

All confidence boosts aside, the truth is that I could have done some things better. I had a really really hard time getting myself to train. I think I only realized that I was going to be doing this race like, a month and a half ago. That is definitely not enough time to properly train. I got myself up to 8 miles and just hoped that adrenaline and sheer determination would get me across the finish line. It did – but I think that I would have been much better prepared if I had stuck to my training for a bit longer (duh…).

Related to this is my interval timing. I did intervals for this race – I started out doing 4:1 (4 minutes running and then 1 minute walking), which lasted for about 6 or 7 miles. My dear friend joined in for miles 6-10 (amazing motivation), and she encouraged me to reduce my intervals to 2:2 because I as so worn down. Basically, while I made it through the entire course, I was really inconsistent. In fact, the last few miles I stopped looking at my watch all together and kind of just ran when I felt I had some energy and walked when I felt I needed a break.

And in conclusion:

I did it! How awesome is that. I raised money for the American Cancer Society, worked really really hard, and accomplished my goal!

So… what’s next?

I CAN do something – please help

My next half marathon is a week away.

Training has been hard, without a team around. It’s been a challenge to motivate myself to get up and run – and I don’t think that I will be setting any personal records this time around. Sometimes when I feel particularly tired or sore (or sunburned…), I can my feel pace slow. My feet start to drag, and I crawl forward. Sometimes, I think about turning around and going home, throwing in the towel, and saving the race for another day.

But I don’t. I keep going, because this race matters. 

In running this half marathon, I am raising money to support cancer research. I am running in memory of my mom, who never knew me as a runner but would be so proud. I am running because I CAN do something to help save lives – and so can you.

With a week until race day, I am just shy of my fundraising goal. I need your help to get across the finish line next Sunday. Please, if you can, click here to join me in the fight against cancer.

Birthday Reflections

Another year older, another year wiser – that’s the saying, anyways. I’ve been so crazily busy lately – a new job, travel (mazal tov S. and J.!!!), moving (soon!) – and I realize that I haven’t spent a lot of time reflecting. I figured that today seems like a good day to take a step back and think about myself, on this first day of my 26th year.

I had a startling dream yesterday. It was clearly birthday related, though I have most certainly dreamed this dream before – it happens every so often, for years. In my dream, it turns out that my mom comes back from the dead and we find her sitting in the family room in our old house. Not in a zombie way, but in a way that somehow seems totally natural, completely normal. And I have to explain to people that, no, she really was dead, but now she’s back so everything is ok.

Startling, I know. It seems clear that I am not over my grief, and that I miss her terribly, especially on days like holidays and birthdays. I opened all 3 birthday cards my dad sent me, and looked at the numerous youtube videos of birthday songs my sister posted in my honor – I felt such a strong longing for my family the way it was. I felt the pull of nostalgia as I remembered my mom’s annual birthday tradition, which involved singing the Beatles Birthday Song (they say it’s your birthday!) as loudly as possible, with a clear preference for the early morning performances. She would come bounding down the hall, still in her pajamas, clapping her hands and stomping her feet, announcing to the world that this day was something special, that I was someone special.

A dream is just a dream, but it really got me thinking. There is tremendous change afoot. Soon, I will be moving in with my wonderful J., and that makes me feel so adult, so in the process of creating my own home and my own family unit. My sister is off in Europe, my dad lives in a new home with his new wife – and things are just different. That desire for the past will never be fulfilled – but then again, is it ever? And, more importantly, does that longing prevent us from engaging in the present? From loving the future?

I had another idea, though this one seems to tip the corny scale. Maybe I should couch this in symbolism, instead of my very literal first interpretation. Maybe it’s a rather lovely dream – that no, I will never actually see her again, but that she somehow lives on. I’m not sure what this means - She would be proud of my 25th year – that I moved into my own apartment, fell in love, made tough decisions about my career and my health. She would be proud of my accomplishments, she would love my life – she would love me and my friends and the choices I’ve made since she died. She would love that I came from her, that she shaped me and taught me. She died in 2003 when I was 17, and now it is 2011 and I am 26 and I know that she is still a major part of me. Not just her death, but her life. Not only her, but my family.

So much has changed in the past year. It’s funny – it almost takes examining my own life through the (fictional) eyes of someone else to really get the big picture. Pat on the back, girl – you done good for yourself.

Running Uphill

Also, I LOVE the Boston Marathon!!

Earlier this week, I saw a woman running up the hill near my house. A lot of people run up this hill – hill workouts are amazing training practice. In fact, when we were training for the Disney Princess Half Marathon, J. made us run up Heartbreak Hill EVERY WEEK. It’s good for your endurance, and helps you run even faster when you’re on a flat surface. The thing is that running uphill is really hard and it can sometimes kind of hurt. It is a true struggle. I remember my runs up Heartbreak (which is more a series of hills than a single incline) as times of great physical and mental challenge.

The woman running near my house caught my eye. She was grinning from ear to ear, and although I could tell that this was no breeze for her, she kept smiling as she ran.

Lately, I feel like I’ve been running uphill in my life. Faced with difficult and unpleasant challenges, I most definitely have not maintained the peaceful and positive attitude of the woman running up the hill. I have struggled.  Now that I’m at the top of the hill, though, I can look at the outspread panorama and feel proud that I made it to the peak.

The top of the hill is not a stopping place, though. It’s a chance for me to catch my breath, pick myself up, have a sip of water, and start running again.

A Million Tiny Choices

It often seems that it is life’s big moments that define us:  going to college, getting engaged (congrats to my friends in Miami and Atlanta, btw), taking a new job, getting a dog or going on vacation or meeting new friends or traveling to far away places. I often look back and think of those milestone moments in my life as transition markers, defining end points; I was one way, and then some big thing happened, and now I am different. It makes a lot of sense, intuitively, to think of clear cut chapters.

I really felt like a princess that day! The princess of a thousand steps!

As you all know, I have had a long and complicated history with exercise and weight and food. I’ve recently gotten back into my routine – woohoo half marathon training! I am trying a lot of different things to help myself towards my goal. I was inspired by L., who placed a tiara on her head as she explained that she is the “Queen of a million tiny choices.” What she meant was that getting in shape is not as simple as before and after. Eating right is also not a simple before and after. Being healthy is a process. It is all the choices we make throughout the day, throughout every single day, that all add up to before and after.

And really, that’s how life works in general. It’s not as if J. and I. woke up one day and said, “hey let’s get married.” They engaged in a process – they learned and explored together.  And all of that brought them to the point where they could make the decision to get engaged.

I do not have control of a lot of things in my life. How comforting is it to know that in actuality, I have control over a myriad tiny decisions, and that I have the power to control outcomes. And what is amazing is that all those decisions are connected in a process, they are not isolated. But then again, this is not exactly a new idea. I think Lao Tzu said it most famously when he penned that famous aphorism – the very sentiment that inspired me to write this blog in the first place.

 ”A journey of 1,000 miles starts with a single step.”

All You Have to do is Ask

Don't ever let me become a clip artist.

I wrote recently about how important it is to have friends. When I think back on that idea, it seems a little basic, maybe – and it needs a little expanding upon. It’s not just friends, it’s that I am connected, through my friends, to a vast web of help and inspiration. It’s almost like, in my life, I am at the epicenter of a venn diagram with infinite circles. The circles I overlap with are the people I know personally – but since they are the center of their own life diagrams, they have their own connections. The beauty of it all is that when I need help, all I have to do is ask. And my friends do what they can to help me, either directly or by putting me in touch with their friends.

That’s the key, though – you have to ask.

I recently had dinner and coffee with a dear friend. We had fallen a bit out of touch in the past several months, and it felt really good to be able to reconnect with her. She told me about some things going on in her life that were really difficult – and I told her about some of the things I struggle with, too. And she said something to me that seems so true – it’s hard to be able to talk about problems with other people. Sometimes we want to put up a tough exterior (ha, this is something I am really terrible at, but I have often wished I could) and exude a confidence to the world that says, “so what, I can do anything.” Sometimes, though, tough situations seem too hard or too big to face alone. And what she’s learned, and what I’ve been trying to practice, is that it is ok to ask for help. Not only is it ok to ask for help, but I’ve been finding that many people surrounding me really want to help when they can.

This is a thought I hold really dear – and is also a segue into a huge thank you. Thank you! I feel like I receive a lot of support. So many of you responded to my last post and email about fundraising in memory of my mom that I am close to reaching my goal! Not only that, but in other ways and in other parts of my life. Thank you, my friends, for every friend-ly thing you do.

The really cool thing about seeing your network like a series of interlocking venn diagrams is that there emerges a clear “Pay it Forward” message. I reach out to a friend, who reaches out to another connection, and another – and somewhere along the line, someone reaches out to me. I find that to be pretty darn inspiring, just knowing that I am a part of a really vast network of people, and that I can help, too. All you have to do is ask.

Dreams: Go Big or Go Home

Ever since I wrote about my mom a few weeks ago, I’ve been thinking about her instructions to take piano lessons. That advice has been haunting me: what is my passion? What is my cause? What is it that I do? When I ran, the races motivated me and pushed me beyond my limits. I had a goal that I cared about deeply, and I reached it. And then I slacked off. Looking back, I miss those weeks of intensive training, the feeling of bonding with my team, the constant realization that I had power within my reach, and the deep satisfaction at completing a very difficult goal.

It seemed almost fortuitous to receive a marketing email about the Providence Rock N Roll Half Marathon. My first race was a Rock N Roll Half Marathon! Providence is my home town! And more than that, I’d been thinking about how much I miss running. Of course, I’ve been thinking about how much I miss my mom, too. And then I had an aha moment. I’m going to run for charity and raise money for the American Cancer Society. I’m going to run a race and do it in memory of my mom. I know she would be proud of me, and I’m going to honor her memory by doing something really important.

I keep telling myself: Don’t dream a dream and feel the regret of inaction. Rather, dream big, take action, stretch yourself, and achieve. And you know what? That is exactly what I am going to do. I am going to give myself a difficult goal – two goals, in fact: I will raise $1260 and I will complete a half marathon. I am going to pull myself up, once again, and reach into the far depths of my dreams. And I’m going to do it.

I’m just getting started, of course. I will write some updates here and here – and I hope you’ll help me if you can.